If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
