can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
