My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
