Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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