I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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