How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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