i jhust puked up my retainher.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
