Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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