i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
