I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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