I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
