The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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