His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
