People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
