if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just found puke in my bra..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
