End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
