you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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