I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
