Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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