You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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