McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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