My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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