My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
