he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
