Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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