I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
