onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
