I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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