"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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