Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
