my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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