Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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