New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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