I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I am spending my child support on dildos
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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