What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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