The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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