Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
