she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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