i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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