Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
