i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
