I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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