he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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