I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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