WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
