Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
two words: eviction party
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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