you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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