thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
