So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
