totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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