I have demons in me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
