party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
