Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I did not marry a roomba.
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