Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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