There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
