Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
