Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
