You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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