Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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