hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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