I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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